Nicole’s Breastfeeding Journey (Part 2)

by Nicole Salawy
​Lebanon

When my baby was two weeks old, I decided to talk to a professional and get help as I really wanted to breastfeed. The consultant was kind. She visited my home and tried to help with my son latch. ​

She asked me if my son had a tongue-tie, and I answered that he did not. At that time, and to my knowledge, my son did not have a tongue-tie. He was able to latch for a few seconds and then would unlatch. The consultant suggested using a nipple shield might help him latch and then I could transition slowly away from it as he grew stronger and try directly breastfeeding. I did what she said and pumped on the schedule I was given and made that my job. No missed sessions, no excuses. My milk supply increased a bit within a month from her visit but still was not enough to fully feed my son. I was getting really upset every time I had to prepare a bottle of formula. I could see how my son preferred my milk and how easily he would digest it. While after every bottle of formula, he would spit up a bit and be gassy and uncomfortable, I even noticed at that time that he was too slow to drink from the bottle and would be gulping if we fully raised the bottle. It would take him 45 minutes to finish a bottle of 60 ml and that was unusual.

My son was almost a month old and I was still not reaching my goal to breastfeed exclusively. I had other stresses also. People coming to visit, my family being far away, and handling the household tasks alone with a baby. It was a relief when my mother was finally able to come and support me. She tried to show me how to breastfeed and help me get my son to latch, but nothing seemed to work. Everything I was reading suggested differently. It started to get frustrating and overwhelming for me. I was starting to get disappointed as nothing was helping. I was not able to talk to anyone as they would start to comfort me in all the ways that would upset me even more. I made a decision that for now I wanted to focus on pumping to eliminate the need for formula at least and try breastfeeding again later.

I was not getting any motivation or support. I was always hearing that it is okay if he does not breastfeed, he might never latch, you can formula feed, it is not the end of the world. These comments were undermining the strong feelings I had and the need to breastfeed my son. I even asked a pediatrician who told me my son will never go back to the breast because he is used to the bottle now. That was heartbreaking for me.

​I remember one night pumping next to my husband while he was feeding our son a bottle of formula. Our son refused to complete the bottle and started to cry. I took my breastmilk and gave it to my husband to feed him, which he happily drank. My baby always preferred mama’s milk, and that was the strongest motivation to keep me going. Although no one ever believed me when I said I know what my son prefers and needs.

I kept on trying all the advice I received on getting my baby to latch, but I would do it when my little one and I were alone to avoid the unnecessary stress and commentary. Doing this alone was not easy but it was much better than the negativity I would hear from others.

My son was almost a month and a half, and during a gathering my sister-in-law suggested I speak to another lactation consultant. Even though I was not very hopeful, I spoke to her and asked for help. A week passed and my milk supply started to increase when I changed the technique and frequency of pumping. More time passed and I was starting to pump 80% of what my son needed. When I explained all my observations about my son feeding to the new lactation consultant, she suggested he might have a tongue-tie. At that time, he was taking the breast on and off. He would not fully feed but would latch and feed for a couple of minutes with the nipple shield on.

​We made an appointment to get his tongue checked. Apparently, the lactation consultant was right, he did have a severe tongue-tie. We directly got it released. Then, a setback happened, before releasing the tongue-tie my son would latch a bit, but after the tongue-tie revision he refused to latch and would start to cry and reject breastfeeding completely. I was so disappointed and heartbroken. I wanted to completely stop trying and just go back to exclusive pumping.

That is when the lactation consultant encouraged me to try one more thing—breastfeed directly after my baby is out of the shower, as it can mimic the birth sensation again—and all the magic happened. Within a couple of days, my son started to latch and breastfeed. I had gotten so used to pumping, I had no confidence in my body to feed my son fully at the breast. I continued to pump and breastfeed for around a couple of months. Then I realized I did not have to, I am enough. I was making enough milk. I did not need to be attached to a machine and clean bottles around the clock. Since then, I have my son with me almost everywhere I go. I have the confidence to breastfeed him anywhere we are. In the past, I would always carry a bottle of pumped milk with me in case my milk dried up suddenly or my son refused me again.

I used to hear comments that my son is always hungry, it is not possible for him to be on the breast for that long, or he is not getting enough as he was not able to sleep except when he was carried, and that my milk is like water. I did not have the motivation I needed to find the confidence I have now, I had to reach within myself to get it.

Today, I know for a fact that all this is not true, but at that time it used to get to me and hurt my feelings. I felt challenged every day that I needed to prove myself to everyone and keep defending my choice of breastfeeding my child and the benefits of breastfeeding directly at the breast.

Recently, I came to understand that my son had body tension due to the birth, and that was the reason for the sleep issues. It was not my milk. In addition to that, I did not know that babies born premature could have difficulty breastfeeding. I always felt he was acting younger than his actual age and was compensating for the time missed on the breast when he was first born.

As a mother I always felt attacked for my choices. This made me feel like I needed to defend my choices by educating everyone around me, in order to get support.

The journey was hard and extremely challenging, but I would go through it again if I could reach this amazing feeling of being enough for my son. In every journey there will always be someone who will judge and evaluate. Those same people may be the first to celebrate when everything works out. In my case, they all had good intentions but not the knowledge. It was extremely hard not to let their words get to me, but my mother’s intuition always won.
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​Now my son is almost one year old, we still breastfeed and I really find happiness and joy when doing so. The communication and love we share during every feeding is irreplaceable. I really encourage every mother to believe in herself, to be strong and follow her mothering instinct, even if she has to do it alone. A mother always knows what is best for her baby to feel happy and thrive.
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