Nicole’s Breastfeeding Journey (Part 1)

by Nicole Salawy
​Lebanon

My motherhood journey started with a dream. A picture of me cuddled with my baby while they breastfeed peacefully with our eyes locked on to one another. But that was a dream and not reality. Like any mother, I had imagined breastfeeding my son, and how magical and peaceful it would look. I always felt it would come naturally. To my shock, when it was time to feed my son, it was not like I had imagined in my head at all.

All those who know me will know how much I like to be prepared and how much I would read and be ready just in case. When it came to breastfeeding, I did not think I needed to do so. I thought it would be simple – put the baby on the breast and it will just happen. I was prepared for everything else except one of the most important things – how to feed my son. I had never heard about mothers reading up on breastfeeding or the term lactation consultant before.

I gave birth to a preterm baby at 34 weeks. I was at home and suddenly it felt like my water broke. I was not quite sure, so I went to the hospital with my husband. While the doctor was checking me, my water really broke. I was admitted and given some medication, but I was not informed what it was for or what the risks might be. I told the hospital staff that I did not want an epidural because I wanted a natural unmedicated birth. I had done a lot of prenatal preparation on breathing and pain management. When I requested to leave the bed, I was told by the hospital staff that I was not allowed to do so during labor. At that point, I was too tired and in pain to argue. I did not fully understand what my rights were…

I was also a bit scared as they mentioned my blood pressure was borderline high, although both the baby and I were fine. Not being able to move from the bed, along with the birthing pains and my doctor mentioning that he prefers I take the epidural as it will lower my blood pressure, I gave up and asked for the epidural. When it was time to give birth, I was not allowed to birth except on my back. By that time, the epidural effect was fading. As I was rushed through pushing, the doctor had to vacuum my son out of me. I was not happy by all this, but I was excited about becoming a mother. So, I tried to keep a positive mindset and go with the flow. I was only allowed two minutes of skin to skin with my son before they took him away and left me alone to recover before I was moved to my room.

As my son was preterm, he was taken away to another room to be checked. The paediatrician recommended we admit him to the NICU as he had a problem with sucking. During that time, I was too tired to think, so my husband was making the decisions. No one asked me if I wanted to breastfeed or formula feed, neither was I encouraged to try and breastfeed or pump.

After maybe twelve hours, a lactation consultant from the hospital came to my room with a pump in her hand and showed me how to use it. She said I should request the pump every three hours. The importance of frequent pumping was not explained to me. Having just given birth earlier than my due date, with my family not in the country, and going through the shock of the birthing experience, I was not in my right mind to understand what was happening.

The first 24 hours passed with me just pumping once and zero attempts of putting my baby on the breast. The next morning, a nurse came and was shouting that I should pump more. I did not understand why she was saying that. Later that day, I was sent home, but my son had to stay as his bilirubin levels were high and he had jaundice. During the first week, I was allowed to see my son for 30 minutes twice a day. During that time, no one mentioned to me that I can breastfeed my son If I wanted. I was only asked to pump and bring the milk so they could give it to him. They were already giving him formula. As a first-time mother without the needed support, I did not know that I was allowed to breastfeed my son and to deny the giving of formula. I was too scared, so I followed their directions without questioning them.

While I was at home away from my son and pumping, that is when I started to read about how frequently I should pump and how important it was to build my milk supply. A week later, we got the green light to take our baby home and still no one mentioned I can directly breastfeed him. They only mentioned he should feed well for the jaundice to fully go away and not to need to take him back to the NICU. So, still scared with taking a new baby home for the first night, I did as I was instructed. When it was time to visit the hospital to have the jaundice level checked, a nurse passing by casually asked me if I tried to breastfeed him. I was shocked that all this time it was an option. I did not know it was okay to breastfeed directly or that it was expected. At that time, my son was two weeks old. My milk supply was not enough to fully breastfeed him yet. I committed to pumping more, aiming to at least increase my milk supply. I still never tried to directly breastfeed him. Through all this, I had no support from my family as my parents and sibling live in another country. I was alone in Lebanon with my husband and his family.

Everyone tried to help as much as they could and with the best intentions in mind and heart. But no one provided the real support I needed, as they did not have the knowledge to know how to do it. Whenever I asked about breastfeeding, imagining that the older generation would be supportive of breastfeeding, I was shocked and disappointed by what they would say. Either they never breastfed or they would say just give him a bottle and not stress myself.
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To be continued…