She asked me if my son had a tongue-tie, and I answered that he did not. At that time, and to my knowledge, my son did not have a tongue-tie. He was able to latch for a few seconds and then would unlatch. The consultant suggested using a nipple shield might help him latch and then I could transition slowly away from it as he grew stronger and try directly breastfeeding. I did what she said and pumped on the schedule I was given and made that my job. No missed sessions, no excuses. My milk supply increased a bit within a month from her visit but still was not enough to fully feed my son. I was getting really upset every time I had to prepare a bottle of formula. I could see how my son preferred my milk and how easily he would digest it. While after every bottle of formula, he would spit up a bit and be gassy and uncomfortable, I even noticed at that time that he was too slow to drink from the bottle and would be gulping if we fully raised the bottle. It would take him 45 minutes to finish a bottle of 60 ml and that was unusual.

My son was almost a month old and I was still not reaching my goal to breastfeed exclusively. I had other stresses also. People coming to visit, my family being far away, and handling the household tasks alone with a baby. It was a relief when my mother was finally able to come and support me. She tried to show me how to breastfeed and help me get my son to latch, but nothing seemed to work. Everything I was reading suggested differently. It started to get frustrating and overwhelming for me. I was starting to get disappointed as nothing was helping. I was not able to talk to anyone as they would start to comfort me in all the ways that would upset me even more. I made a decision that for now I wanted to focus on pumping to eliminate the need for formula at least and try breastfeeding again later.

I was not getting any motivation or support. I was always hearing that it is okay if he does not breastfeed, he might never latch, you can formula feed, it is not the end of the world. These comments were undermining the strong feelings I had and the need to breastfeed my son. I even asked a pediatrician who told me my son will never go back to the breast because he is used to the bottle now. That was heartbreaking for me.

​I remember one night pumping next to my husband while he was feeding our son a bottle of formula. Our son refused to complete the bottle and started to cry. I took my breastmilk and gave it to my husband to feed him, which he happily drank. My baby always preferred mama’s milk, and that was the strongest motivation to keep me going. Although no one ever believed me when I said I know what my son prefers and needs.

I kept on trying all the advice I received on getting my baby to latch, but I would do it when my little one and I were alone to avoid the unnecessary stress and commentary. Doing this alone was not easy but it was much better than the negativity I would hear from others.

My son was almost a month and a half, and during a gathering my sister-in-law suggested I speak to another lactation consultant. Even though I was not very hopeful, I spoke to her and asked for help. A week passed and my milk supply started to increase when I changed the technique and frequency of pumping. More time passed and I was starting to pump 80% of what my son needed. When I explained all my observations about my son feeding to the new lactation consultant, she suggested he might have a tongue-tie. At that time, he was taking the breast on and off. He would not fully feed but would latch and feed for a couple of minutes with the nipple shield on.

​We made an appointment to get his tongue checked. Apparently, the lactation consultant was right, he did have a severe tongue-tie. We directly got it released. Then, a setback happened, before releasing the tongue-tie my son would latch a bit, but after the tongue-tie revision he refused to latch and would start to cry and reject breastfeeding completely. I was so disappointed and heartbroken. I wanted to completely stop trying and just go back to exclusive pumping.

That is when the lactation consultant encouraged me to try one more thing—breastfeed directly after my baby is out of the shower, as it can mimic the birth sensation again—and all the magic happened. Within a couple of days, my son started to latch and breastfeed. I had gotten so used to pumping, I had no confidence in my body to feed my son fully at the breast. I continued to pump and breastfeed for around a couple of months. Then I realized I did not have to, I am enough. I was making enough milk. I did not need to be attached to a machine and clean bottles around the clock. Since then, I have my son with me almost everywhere I go. I have the confidence to breastfeed him anywhere we are. In the past, I would always carry a bottle of pumped milk with me in case my milk dried up suddenly or my son refused me again.

I used to hear comments that my son is always hungry, it is not possible for him to be on the breast for that long, or he is not getting enough as he was not able to sleep except when he was carried, and that my milk is like water. I did not have the motivation I needed to find the confidence I have now, I had to reach within myself to get it.

Today, I know for a fact that all this is not true, but at that time it used to get to me and hurt my feelings. I felt challenged every day that I needed to prove myself to everyone and keep defending my choice of breastfeeding my child and the benefits of breastfeeding directly at the breast.

Recently, I came to understand that my son had body tension due to the birth, and that was the reason for the sleep issues. It was not my milk. In addition to that, I did not know that babies born premature could have difficulty breastfeeding. I always felt he was acting younger than his actual age and was compensating for the time missed on the breast when he was first born.

As a mother I always felt attacked for my choices. This made me feel like I needed to defend my choices by educating everyone around me, in order to get support.

The journey was hard and extremely challenging, but I would go through it again if I could reach this amazing feeling of being enough for my son. In every journey there will always be someone who will judge and evaluate. Those same people may be the first to celebrate when everything works out. In my case, they all had good intentions but not the knowledge. It was extremely hard not to let their words get to me, but my mother’s intuition always won.
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All those who know me will know how much I like to be prepared and how much I would read and be ready just in case. When it came to breastfeeding, I did not think I needed to do so. I thought it would be simple – put the baby on the breast and it will just happen. I was prepared for everything else except one of the most important things – how to feed my son. I had never heard about mothers reading up on breastfeeding or the term lactation consultant before.

I gave birth to a preterm baby at 34 weeks. I was at home and suddenly it felt like my water broke. I was not quite sure, so I went to the hospital with my husband. While the doctor was checking me, my water really broke. I was admitted and given some medication, but I was not informed what it was for or what the risks might be. I told the hospital staff that I did not want an epidural because I wanted a natural unmedicated birth. I had done a lot of prenatal preparation on breathing and pain management. When I requested to leave the bed, I was told by the hospital staff that I was not allowed to do so during labor. At that point, I was too tired and in pain to argue. I did not fully understand what my rights were…

I was also a bit scared as they mentioned my blood pressure was borderline high, although both the baby and I were fine. Not being able to move from the bed, along with the birthing pains and my doctor mentioning that he prefers I take the epidural as it will lower my blood pressure, I gave up and asked for the epidural. When it was time to give birth, I was not allowed to birth except on my back. By that time, the epidural effect was fading. As I was rushed through pushing, the doctor had to vacuum my son out of me. I was not happy by all this, but I was excited about becoming a mother. So, I tried to keep a positive mindset and go with the flow. I was only allowed two minutes of skin to skin with my son before they took him away and left me alone to recover before I was moved to my room.

As my son was preterm, he was taken away to another room to be checked. The paediatrician recommended we admit him to the NICU as he had a problem with sucking. During that time, I was too tired to think, so my husband was making the decisions. No one asked me if I wanted to breastfeed or formula feed, neither was I encouraged to try and breastfeed or pump.

After maybe twelve hours, a lactation consultant from the hospital came to my room with a pump in her hand and showed me how to use it. She said I should request the pump every three hours. The importance of frequent pumping was not explained to me. Having just given birth earlier than my due date, with my family not in the country, and going through the shock of the birthing experience, I was not in my right mind to understand what was happening.

The first 24 hours passed with me just pumping once and zero attempts of putting my baby on the breast. The next morning, a nurse came and was shouting that I should pump more. I did not understand why she was saying that. Later that day, I was sent home, but my son had to stay as his bilirubin levels were high and he had jaundice. During the first week, I was allowed to see my son for 30 minutes twice a day. During that time, no one mentioned to me that I can breastfeed my son If I wanted. I was only asked to pump and bring the milk so they could give it to him. They were already giving him formula. As a first-time mother without the needed support, I did not know that I was allowed to breastfeed my son and to deny the giving of formula. I was too scared, so I followed their directions without questioning them.

While I was at home away from my son and pumping, that is when I started to read about how frequently I should pump and how important it was to build my milk supply. A week later, we got the green light to take our baby home and still no one mentioned I can directly breastfeed him. They only mentioned he should feed well for the jaundice to fully go away and not to need to take him back to the NICU. So, still scared with taking a new baby home for the first night, I did as I was instructed. When it was time to visit the hospital to have the jaundice level checked, a nurse passing by casually asked me if I tried to breastfeed him. I was shocked that all this time it was an option. I did not know it was okay to breastfeed directly or that it was expected. At that time, my son was two weeks old. My milk supply was not enough to fully breastfeed him yet. I committed to pumping more, aiming to at least increase my milk supply. I still never tried to directly breastfeed him. Through all this, I had no support from my family as my parents and sibling live in another country. I was alone in Lebanon with my husband and his family.

Everyone tried to help as much as they could and with the best intentions in mind and heart. But no one provided the real support I needed, as they did not have the knowledge to know how to do it. Whenever I asked about breastfeeding, imagining that the older generation would be supportive of breastfeeding, I was shocked and disappointed by what they would say. Either they never breastfed or they would say just give him a bottle and not stress myself.
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To be continued…

​Back at home the complications started and the breast I was hand expressing from started clogging and hurting badly. Soon the other one did too. By the time my baby was five days old, the pain was unbearable. I called her pediatrician (very breastfeeding oriented as well) and he recommended more hand expressing using warm (not hot) compresses on the breasts. He recommended I get a breast shield and try, maybe the baby would latch on to it. My husband bought all the sizes and types, but unfortunately, we couldn't find one she liked. It was during COVID-19 and not much supply was available. We ended up finding a very big one that she accepted a couple of times before stopping. We called the pediatrician again and he ended up telling me to use an electric or preferably a hand pump to ease the pain until she can latch.
 
Well, it didn't happen, and I still pumped day and night month after month. Each month would feel like the last, first at three months after that at six months followed by nine months until one year, all thanks to La Leche League WhatsApp group support and all the Leader’s help and support.
 
The 12th of February 2024 (my baby girl’s birthday), was the day I decided previously would be my last day of pumping. She would be one year old and I was exhausted and tired of all the pumping, cleaning, sanitizing, feeding, and barely sleeping.
 
Before I continue, I would like to take a moment to appreciate every breastmilk feeding mother but especially the ones that are exclusively pumping because truly they are tireless super heroes. I still recall the sleepless nights waking up every 3 hours to pump for 30 minutes, put in bottles, clean the pump, sterilize and dry for another 30 minutes, go back to bed, and start to fall asleep only to wake up 90 minutes later to a crying baby. It was so hard…
 
Back to my daughter’s first birthday, we had a lovely party with all the family and friends. Around 7 pm, everyone was done and leaving. We cleaned up and it was almost time for bed. I was getting ready to give my daughter a thawed bottle from the stash (I had around a month of breastmilk in the freezer), when out of nowhere my baby came to me and started to feel my breasts.

​Since that day, we tried all kinds of bottles to get her to drink breastmilk from them but none would work. She just wanted to breastfeed. And here we are three years and one month later still breastfeeding and what a lovely thing. It made me love it soo much. Every time someone asks how long will I breastfeed, she is too old now, I would say, “I’ll breastfeed her through teenage years and until she’s a grown up 🤣.”
 
Funny world now that she’s growing up, she’s breastfeeding way less, almost weaning herself. Some days she would breastfeed once, some four times, some not at all.
 
Breastfeeding made my life so much easier. I have a healthy baby, an independent baby, a strong and smart baby. The benefits are endless, and direct breastfeeding makes it so easy to keep going. It’s like an open buffet at night. You just co-sleep and the baby will serve him/herself.
 
I breastfeed to sleep. I breastfeed to ease pain. I breastfeed for comfort. I breastfeed in public, in my house, at a gathering, and in the park. Everywhere, anywhere, whenever she needs to breastfeed.
 
Because one day she will wake up and decide she’s done. That day will be the saddest, happiest day of my life.

I am Tung Hsiyi. When I was a child, my mother worked as a full-time housewife until I was eleven years old and my brother was nine years old. At that time, our family’s finances changed and my brother and I were getting older, so my mother started working. Being a housewife, mother and wife, was not easy and was difficult for my mother. To be honest, I found it hard to imagine myself getting married and having children. However, she often told us stories, picked us up and dropped us off from school, and even brought us meals. These are beautiful memories. I also remember when I was in lower elementary school how the most popular choice was to be a teacher in the future, but I wanted to be a housewife!

In college, I studied social work, but my first job after graduation was not in social work. This led me to reflect and explore throughout my social work career. Finally, in 2006, I started work in child protection, working with families experiencing domestic violence, including parents and their children. I also began to explore parent-child relationships. At that time, there was not much training. A group of us explored and discovered object relationships and attachment relationships. From 2009 onwards, we took some related courses and read related books. Later, I switched to foster care, which gave me opportunities to see and learn what a new family might face and how they might respond when a child leaves their original family. In addition to how the child adapts. We used attachment relationships as a foundation, yet there are many different changes that might occur. How to raise a child? What is the parent-child relationship and interactions like under attachment relationships? I had a lot of curiosity, and the teachers mentioned that early childhood (0-6 years of age) is a golden period of life. My daughter was born in June 2015. I resolutely decided to take two years of maternity leave (the maximum in Taiwan is two years), in order to experience firsthand what the parenting knowledge I had learned over the years truly meant. My own mother also encouraged me to be a housewife!

The hospital where I gave birth the year my daughter was born promoted breastfeeding. Several of my friends with childbirth experience suggested that I breastfeed my daughter until she was one or two years old. Two of them said that their children really loved breastfeeding, expressing and that it was one of their most cherished childhood memories! That year, the promotion of breastfeeding was very straightforward, so I was not bothered too much by the options of breastfeeding or bottle feeding. The postpartum care center had books on attachment parenting and I read some of the introductory chapters. With my maternity leave, I went straight to breastfeeding my daughter. Later, my daughter refused a bottle, so we continued breastfeeding. That year, what I learned about breastfeeding can be said in just one sentence – breastfeed whenever the child wants to nurse! When she was around two years old, I started talking with her about weaning, but she really enjoyed breastfeeding and did not want to give it up! After she turned two, when we went out, we were often looking for a nursing room. Sometimes we would even breastfeed while walking. She could completely hide inside my clothes and enjoy breastfeeding! I just went along with her wishes. After I started working, my husband took six months of paternity leave, with my encouragement, so I could rush home at noon to breastfeed her. This continued until her first year of kindergarten. She was not willing to wean until she was four years old!

My son was born in September 2021, and he was also exclusively breastfed. During that time, my daughter occasionally breastfed together to reminisce about the good memory and soothe the jealousy for the new baby coming…. My son is almost five now, and he still occasionally breastfeed before bedtime to comfort himself when he encounters setbacks in life or looking for solace.
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As my children grow older, I'm slowly realizing the impact of this kind of companionship on children. Compared to the children I've encountered in my previous work, they have many more needs and requirements being met! My daughter is entering her puberty phase, and I see that our past intimacy has withstood many storms and arguments; we can always quickly feel each other's care and love! The peacefulness with which my son falls asleep while being breastfed also gives me a sense of fulfillment and love! I firmly believe that it will be a beautiful memory in their lives, or at least for me! I love the satisfied look on their faces when I breastfeed them. Although it's not easy, it's a wonderful memory of being a mother in my life!​

​When my son was around 14 months and only nursing about four times a day, I had a family emergency and had to leave him. I made sure I left plenty of breast milk for him to drink. I pumped twice a day while I was gone in order to keep my supply. Once I got back I picked up my son and tried to nurse right away. He refused me and would not latch. I was devastated and heartbroken. That whole day and the next I kept offering the breast and he kept refusing. However, I continued pumping in case he decided to nurse again.

On days three and four I gave up hope. Even after offering many times a day and wearing him around the house, he was making no progress. I stopped pumping. I felt selfish trying to make him nurse when he obviously didn’t want to. I felt completely defeated and told my husband it was over. Then the
unthinkable happened: my son asked me to nurse. He latched and nursed as if nothing had happened. I definitely cried tears of joy. I called my friend, La Leche League Leader Tamara Drenttel-Brand, with the wonderful news and she told me what I needed to do to get my supply back up.

Since I had stopped pumping, my milk supply had reduced a lot. I have always had lots of extra milk while nursing, so feeling my breasts so empty and pumping barely drops was a very humbling experience. So I started pumping as many times as I could during the day, even if it was only for a short amount of time. I managed about eight pumping sessions, some lasting only 10 minutes. After ten days of pumping, I felt my supply was back! I stopped pumping, and continued nursing on demand.

Now, five months later and at 19 months old, my son is nursing more than ever. My goal has always been to “get past a year, then we’ll see”. But once we overcame that huge hurdle, I knew I didn’t want to stop. Now my goal is two years, then we’ll see. For now, I am enjoying this second chance and I am so very grateful.

Close to the Heart Vol. 15, No. 1 (Early-Year 2014)